Um Yeah... I Used to Be That Girl

I tend to be a fairly positive person. I waited tables in college and loved interacting with the customers so much so that my coworkers used to tease me about how peppy and cheerful I could be.

I still tend to be a fairly positive person. I naturally tend to assume that all will work out for good. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I love to work and I love to work with others. One thing has changed though. When I was in my teens, 20's and maybe even [blushing] my early 30's if someone would hurt me I would go for the throat. I didn't take a backseat to being bullied, or even being pushed. If you pushed me, I would punch back and I totally hit below the belt. My fighting style? You gripe about something I did? I might say something like, "Well, that may be true but at least I don't have a huge nose." Yep. That was me. Hurt them in a way they can never recover from.

And honestly, I don't even know where I got it or how I became that way.

And not only would I fight back with a vengeance, I would snip that person out of my life and never speak to them again. The weirdest part? Cutting someone out and never going back didn't bother me a bit.

I know, it's really not cool. And even more importantly, it's not Christlike.

It's taken me a long time to learn to temper my temper. I feel like my Savior has been very patient with me on this one so I definitely owe Him and I work hard to keep it in check. Here are some things I do to help:

1) I don't allow myself to ruminate. If you go over and over an incident in your mind you are building a case for yourself and you fill yourself with righteous indignation on why it's OK for you to be so furious. I no longer do that. I let stuff go. It sucks sometimes. Sometimes I'd much rather hang onto it - even just for a few minutes. Nope - let it go. "But how on earth do I let it go??" you may ask. Well, that brings us to the next point:

2) I've come to the understanding that if you knew the back-story on someones rude tone, or their condescending manner, or their biting words, you would view the situation completely differently. Here's the perfect example: Several years back I had to make a call to a woman I did not know about making copies for something for church. She was the librarian. I left her a message and she called back that evening and was so rude to me that I almost hung up the phone on her more than once. No matter what I suggested she was not satisfied. I was so frustrated yet I kept having the thought come to mind that I should be kind to her. I was and we got off the phone with the situation unresolved. I was surprised when she called me back the very next day, so cheerful and polite and with a solution to our impasse. She also apologized, told me how horribly miserable she'd been the day before, suffering all day with a "sick headache" at work. I empathized, telling her I knew how hard those could be, that I got them myself. In the months that followed, this woman became my visiting teacher. She also became my friend. And when I was at the center of a controversy regarding my frustration and loss of my temper with some of my seminary students - she became my fiercest ally! When I felt unfairly attacked by so many, she got in front and publicly defended me. She was so good to me and I'm so thankful I didn't blow the chance to have her as my friend by giving up on her in that first conversation when she was just having a hard day. We all have them. Now when someone is ugly I just tell myself, "Who knows what they are going through." You really never know. Sometimes you do find out, though, and usually it puts things into much clearer perspective. Just reminding myself really helps me to let it go quickly.

3) My husband says that while I can have a temper, my redeeming quality is that I apologize quickly and always admit when I'm in the wrong. While I do well with others now, I do still lose my temper occasionally at home with him and/or the children. I have seen parents who never admit wrong to their children, who never apologize. I think this is a big mistake. I have seen my children come to a sibling after a fight and admit their wrong, asking for forgiveness even when they weren't the only one doing the offending. It brings the Spirit back to our home quickly and repairs the relationship. It's amazing how all is forgotten and warm feelings return. How does this keep me from losing my temper? Well, I feel compelled to apologize when I've been in the wrong - but I don't like to apologize to people I don't know that well and I don't want to agonize over an apology to, say, a good friend. When I'm tempted to bite back I remember,  "Don't say or do anything you'll have to apologize for later. It's just not worth it." When my first two reminders fail, this one is my pinch hitter. Also, I feel that this has been part of my "natural man" that has been an enemy to God and I've had to repent and learn to do better. I don't want to go back to those behaviors that I've finally been able to change - yet another good motivator.

While I'm definitely not perfect, I do so much better than I used to and these three little things have helped me a great deal. I hope they can help you!